So much has happened and been going on…I don’t even know where to begin.
We just got back last week from taking my dad’s ashes to Port Aransas and spreading them in the ocean as he asked. I must admit, that at this point – I am a little numb. I feel like it’s been the longest funeral. It still doesn’t seem real, that’s he’s really gone. I have had a lot of time to heal emotionally from his loss. I will always mourn the what could of been, what should of been…I will always mourn all the “never agains”. Often times I think I wish I had just one more conversation with him, but in my heart of hearts, I don’t think that could resolve all the hurt and emotional damage inflicted by him over the years. And I still get angry because we still have so much to contend with now with his wife..with his estate etc. My sister and I are the only ones who are handling everything. And even in that, it’s more like I decide, she agrees and just backs me up. So I feel like, even in his death, I am still cleaning up his messes. I told my sister heather the other day that he couldn’t even get death right. He died just as he lived…leaving chaos, confusion, and destruction in his path.
Besides my father, I don’t even know where to begin. Ryan and I moved. We bought a bigger house for our family. This is it I swear. Even if we end up with 10 kids, we’ll just have to figure something out and get creative. I can’t make another move. Ryan is super happy. He’s in the area he wanted, he got his pool and he’s provided us with a beautiful home. I am thankful for him. Not because of what he provides for us, but just his sacrificial love for us. He truly does not have a selfish bone in his body. He sacrifices daily for me and for each of my kids. He has a servants heart. And we are better because of it. His love for me has truly taught me about santification. I have grown so much in our marriage with the Lord simply because of Ryan’s actions towards me. Ryan has been so faithful in honoring the Word in our marriage and it shows. I love him more than words can say. Every day I wake up and I think, wow, I get to do this life with this man.
Other than that, we are just chugging a long at home and at church. Ryan is really growing deeper and it’s so amazing to think back to the kid who was a tight wad and afraid of anything that wasn’t traditional southern baptist. The Lord has taken him on such a journey the last 7 years and it’s amazing to see what He has done in Ryan.
Kids are good. Getting big. It makes me sad. Morgan turned 3 in may and Levi turned 2. Matt will be one in a couple of weeks. Our newest will make her debut in roughly 9 weeks. I am so excited to meet her. I can still remember all the emotions surrounding finding out about her and losing my father. What a circle I will have witnessed over 9 months. I watched my father take his last breath and I will in a few weeks, get to see my daughter take her first breath. I can’t imagine not calling my dad when she is born. I can’t imagine Ryan not giving him updates through the day…I can’t imagine him not coming and holding her. I fear the emotions that will come with this delivery. But I am so looking forward to locking eyes with my precious daughter.
