Luci Grace debuted on August 18th at 5:14 pm. She weighed 6 pds and 10 ozs and she looks just like her big brother Levi but with a head full of dark black hair. She’s beautiful. Labor was rather eventful for this time and got a little scary but the actual delivery was smooth sailing. I actually didn’t even know it was time to push.
Luci came out and she is the first child that I teared up right away upon seeing. I am a thinker…I have to analyze everything. I always cry at the birth of my kids, but it comes later as I reflect on thier pregnancy and delivery. But with Luci, it was different. She came out and I finally got to see the gift that the Lord provided to us during such grief. The Sunday after my dad died, I stood in church and as I sang the song “Never Let Go” by Crowder, their is a part of the song that says “in joy and pain, you never let go” and I thought then that is what I was going through. Pain, losing my father…joy in being given another child. As I said then, such conflicting emotions and emotions that I felt again as I delievered her. Joy, seeing her, having her here, alive and healthy…pain…I can’t call my dad and tell him she’s here. I am a straight shooter…I have never pretended that my father was a great dad..he wasn’t. But I always had hope that he’d change. That he would get clean, sober up…and be the man that God desired him to be. That dream ended last Christmas eve…and even though my father never became that man, I still miss him.
This week has been hard for me. His birthday is Friday…and it’s brought back so many feelings and emotions. I just keep remembering coming out from deciding that we would withdraw care…I went to the waiting room to tell his friends so they could go see him before we went back in there and signed the pw and had life support removed. I walked out…I told his friends and as I told them I lost it and his friend Alex just held me…for whatever reason…that is what I keep remembering.
I just wish that I could talk to him…there is so much I want to say…
