So Much Happening

Time is just flying by.  Luci is almost 8 weeks old.  She’s so beautiful and she’s just such a good baby.  Her temperment is perfect.  God def knew what we needed, that’s for sure.  She not only looks like Levi, she acts just like he did.  Very mild mannered, very quiet.  So different than what Morgan and Matt were like as babies.  Those two never stopped babbling, right from the start.  In fact, they both still talk non-stop while Levi is content reading books.  So I am curious how Luci turns out.  She’s the first baby that we have had that we don’t rock to sleep.  She’s just so easy that she puts herself to sleep.  I love it, and it’s guilt free! 

I still look at her often, thinking about how she was being knitted at the very moment that my father was leaving this earth.  I have thought about it much lately as we just had his birthday and now the holidays are approaching.  My grandmother has wanted to talk about him a lot lately too (I go over there every day).  When my dad was alive and the mere mention of him abusing drugs was brought up, she’d gawk at the notion.  Even though she knew deep down that he wasn’t this stellar guy, she couldn’t acknowledge that our family had any problems.  They are all like this…so after he died when it was stated that he was abusing drugs by dr’s…my grandparents still remained in denial.  It was frustrtating.  So finally I tried to get my grandma one day to admit it…and she was refusing so I finally said, “well, if he wasn’t abusing drugs then he was just an asshole and I don’t care that he died” and she just stood there looking at me…shocked…and she said why would you say that…so I just sat and recanted all the horrible things he had done in the year before his life…including a couple of weeks before he died..and she she stood there for a moment…and then she said “you’re right”.  So now, esp this past week, she’s been talking to me about his drug abuse.  How he “fooled” everyone.  He didn’t fool anyone…they just didn’t want to believe it.  He was an addict.  His death was senseless.  And we have to live with the consequences of his drug abuse for the rest of our lives.  I will always feel cheated.  Not only should I have had my dad for years to come, but even the years I had him were taken from me b/c of his addictions. 

Regardless, I still miss him.  I still think of standing outside his hospital room after he died…looking at him through the window.  I didn’t want to leave him, but I couldn’t stand there with him anymore.  I think of how I felt walking back into his room once care was removed.  Watching him cough, and struggle….I will forever be tormented by what I saw.  Sometimes I wish that they never would have revived him…that he would have just died.  I hate knowing that I had to decide to remove care.  I always wonder…had we waited…would he have woken up.  

But in all of that..I have a beautiful daughter that God gave to us right in the middle of that.  That was a very stressful time for me.  I didn’t sleep, eat…I worried…I was honestly thinking I could lose the baby bc I was so stressed.  So knowing Luci now…she’s just so laid back…I remember telling my Dr numerous times…that if she could stick w/ me thru that, I knew that she was good for the long haul.  And Luci did…she gave me hope.  And she continues to provide that for me.